Intro Paragraph - Rocky and Walter Contrast

 

During class on Friday we were playing around with a sample introductory paragraph for a pretend essay - a contrast of Rocky and Walter. Here's what we came up with during 6th period:

For years the United States Congress has been discussing the possibility of doing away with the penny. Why? The penny costs more to manufacture than it is worth, millions are lost and thrown away each year, and the entire problem could easily be solved by shop owners rounding to the nearest nickel. If it makes so much sense, then, why has the penny not been retired? The answer is strikingly simple. Tradition. People like that copper-looking coin with Honest Abe’s face on it. They like collecting them. They like having them around, even if they are not particularly necessary. In that way, Walter of Hasberry’s A Raisin in the Sun and Rocky of the Academy Award winning best picture are both a pair of pennies. They may not be the most valuable of companions, but they are both reliable. Their similarities end there, however. Although Rocky and Walter appear to be similar, they are, in fact, quite different. While Rocky continually questions his ability to succeed and refuses to give up, Walter questions why others do not think he can succeed and gives up consistently.

I color-coded the elements of the paragraph to more easily break it down.

• red = hook  (9 sentences)
• green = link  (3 sentences)
• yellow = thesis (1 sentence) 
• blue = bridge (1 sentence)

Here are a couple of notes I'd like to point out:

1. Yes, my hook took nine sentences. And my link took three. Guess what...writing takes words. Don't rush it.
2. Check out the last three sentences of my hook. They all start with "They like." That's called parallelism. There's a page here from the Online Writing Lab at Purdue University that does a nice job of explaining what I'm talking about. Again, that's parallelism. Learn it. Love it. Live it. Most good writers do.
3. This essay would contain two body points, according to the bridge. (Can you find them?)
4. I used at least one fragment - "Tradition." Any teacher could rightfully mark that sentence wrong; it is, after all, gramatically incorrect. I personally think it works, however. It's called taking a risk. (And after all, writing is just two things: (1) choices and (2) risks. More on that later.)
5. I'm not totally sure that stuff on the penny is 100% accurate. This was off the top of my head. I'd definately check it out (i.e. research) before I turned in a final copy. But you know what? At least it's interesting. And you know why? Because (1) it contains specific details and (2) most of you didn't know anything about it before you read it. I taught you something in my hook. If you can do that for me in your hooks, you're golden!

So there it is. Now I have a few questions for you. First, what specific aspects of Friday's activity did you find helpful and what aspects did you not, and is this type of activity (me writing from scratch on the screen while you watch) worth doing again in the future? Second, what do you think of my paragraph? Does it flow? Is it clear? Is it too corny? (Give it to me straight. I'm a big boy. I can take it. I grade you every day. This is your chance to grade me, so let me have it.)